When I sought the comfort of shadows
I discovered I am no longer pale;
My body turned into various shades of red
Where you have touched my skin:
Deeper where the need was urgent
Bloody where your lips once drunk
Raw where your hands repeatedly grazed--
I knew then that I will never again feel
Abandoned in the light of the moon.
August 24, 2006
I.
Flimsy, fleeting, false
Words uttered without a cause
More likely, said without hesitation
More likely, without basis in emotion.
So, I hide behind entendre
And I ran away from disclosure
The man is not what is inferred
Because in the end, these are merely words.
II.
Why should we meet?
When words and implications
Could fill up the void of our expression
When knowing our physicality
Could become the end of our repartee?
When seeing our feature
Could only end up in displeasure?
When hearing our influence
Could turn into cellphone silence?
If this is where we are heading
And there is nothing we can do
Shouldnt we rather be content in reading
Than me ever meeting you?
III.
I know you not,
And for good reason
I live behind words
Shadows and reflections.
I love you not,
I don't have the pleasure
My soul is irreparably broken
Doomed to fail your measure.
You know me not,
Beyond a shadow of a doubt
Can I even drop a hint
Without you figuring me out?
You love me not,
Yet I hopelessly fear
Can I even be free again
When I cling to every word I hear?
Nobody becomes an outsider by choice.
That's what I told the guy of my recent dreams. What I want is to find my place in the sun, live out my dreams, and ride out into the sunset. The farthest thing on my mind is to get myself involved in yet another unrequited lovestory.
Love is isolating when unspoken. Not only do I deny it's existence, I deny my own as well. I become yet another single guy living in the fast lane and burning the candle on both ends. People do not know that I rather stay at home and read my books.
However, I choose to like a guy. Or does love choose me? I dont know. If it were up to me, I would rather live alone. My ideal life is one that is stable and predictable. So I can plan my days and nights, I can set my goals and achieve them.
I am tired of thinking too much and endlessly. I will take a quiet life anytime. I like going out with friends who I can flirt and laugh with over the most mundane of things and not be bothered by it at all. My thoughts run faster and smoother that way. I am more dynamic, more open, quicker on the draw. I pay no mind to contexts, subtexts, underpinnings, subtleties, niceties, and other things read between the lines.
I laugh more, I smile more. What's there to complain? But after yet another rejection, I see myself more and more of an outsider. I don't fit in anymore, since I have changed in the time being. I told my friend that I want to go back to where I had been a year ago. I pray that I go back.
Now I am back.
How did I get here?
<go back to start>
Thank goodness, it was a non-working Monday. I have been chatting with this faceless guy online for about a week or so now. As usual we had been trading barbs and venoms in our virtual chatroom, when other people started feeling hungry for some lunch. So guy says: who wants to meet up for lunch? I go: you're one to invite, it would prolly take you til dinner before you got here. Hes based in Makati, while I live in QC. I forced him to go to Trinoma which is near my house.
"I can make it in one hour."
"So that would be a late lunch. Hmm, this sounds like a date, so whoever is inviting is also paying. Deal?"
"Ahmm, I have got my pay yet. Where d'you wanna eat?"
"Aw shucks, I was thinking Conti's. But since you're on a budget, KFC will prolly do."
"Well, in that case, I can afford a bucket of chicken."
"Well, if that's so, I'd like dessert as well."
"I was thinking of those eatting places on the roof top."
"Sounds romantic but it looks like its gonna rain."
"I will text you when I get there."
"Yeah, I will just shower then head to the mall."
Like I can shower in 10 minutes. Goodluck. The guy, I thought, was this goody-two shoes, clean cut kiddo in his early twenties and still needing to grow more. That I got from a pic supposedly of him posted by one of the guys online. No biggie. I wasnt gonna rush for that. Twenty minutes later I was still chatting with some friends.
"Are we good to go?"
"Oh sure, sure."
I thought I better hit the shower. The ride to the mall was a good 20 minutes and that excluded walking to the jeepney stop and to the mall. I looked in the mirror and saw that i needed to shave. But I really dont have time for that, I hadnt picked out clothes yet. Prolly this kid would be in walking short and tees, I got my khaki walking shorts and pistacio sports shirt. I know I'm old but I wouldnt let this kid rub it in. I'd be hip, or at least I'd give it a try.
Hmm, I think its been more than an hour and the boy wasnt still texting. If he turned out to be a passable looking troll or a hobbit, it would be better for me if I bring my book. He could eat while I read.
I was already near the mall when I suddenly had a doubt. Did I give him my correct cellphone number? I gave it way before this lunch thingy. I didnt think anything would come off it. I asked some friends who could be still be online, maybe they'd do something.
Yeah right.
Hell. I knew it, if he wasnt a troll, he'd be an indianero (no-showwer). I should have stayed at home. But since I was already there I might as well get something to eat.
Shit, the mall was filled with merry-makers. Families were there to enjoy the dayoff. And so are the kids and the yayas. Hell. I wasnt dead yet, why am I already burning in hell.
Consigned to my fate, I consoled myself with my favorite shezhuan chicken and strawberry swirl. I decided I'd get a chocolate mousse afterwards when my phone buzzed. I got a text message. It was from another cute kid from online. Hes cute but he is half my age. No deal. He said: "This guy says you are meeting this afternoon and he is asking for your number. Do I give it to him?"
I told him to please do. I am melting in a sea of babies.
Not five minutes later came the guy's message, complaining that I gave him the wrong number. He asked if I was already at the mall. I said yes. I apologized, drooling over the next table's bucket of chicken.
<Dont apologize. Its you who almost got stood up. Good thing Zherwin was online. I'd be there in 45 minutes.>
Ang kapal ha, pero sweet. Hey, he made an effort to get my correct number and get in touch. Touched naman ako (ang haba ng hair). I must have looked stupid grinning ear to ear at that stupid table by myself.
So what do I do for another hour? Its almost 3pm, I should have brought along my gym bag. I saw this empty sofa on the top floor by this juice bar called Fusion. I parked my butt and opened my book.
<Where are you?>
<On the 4th floor, I'm sitting on the sofa in front of Fusion, reading a book.>
Then there was this hand that reached out in front of me. Holy shit. It wasnt a troll or a hobbit. Unless hobbits grow up 5'10". What have I done? No way can I land a date this cute, it must be because of all those troubles I had to endure at work and at home for the past 5 months.
There must be a mistake, where was the troll? No way this goodlooking guy could be without a hitch. There must be flaw here somewhere. My friend warned me he could be a serial killer.
Serial killers didnt dress in green stripped shirts with collar and maong, right? They never looked like him in the movies.
"I'm hungry, where d'you wanna eat?"
I didnt know. My mind was saying run. If he didnt kill me, the other badings in the mall probably would. Tall, cute, well-dressed, educated, working, I couldnt believe my luck, I couldnt even walk beside him. I trailed him after I told him I wanna eat at Italianni's. He said he wanted burger and he saw a cow outside, maybe they had burgers there. Four cows wasnt open yet. So we ended up at Cafe Breton.
His choice actually. He had burger, I had crepe. (Its La Pinay, what else would I have?) We talked a lot actually for almost two hours. It was already dark when we left the resto. We talked about mundane stuff:
"Hayop ka, why didnt you tell me you'd dress up? I thought you'd be in pambahay clothes. I look like your alalay."
Gee, it was a good thing I didnt wear flipflops. I noticed the hairy curls on his forearm, I wanted to know if his chest were as densely populated. But I couldnt find the guts. I wasnt comfortable sitting there, when I wanted to do something else. I was suddenly conscious of my age, my appearance, my grammar, my morals. I blabbed most of the time. I offered to pay my share, but he picked up the tab.
After we left the cafe, he said we should stroll around. He was fascinated by the architecture of the mall. Frankly, it was the first time I appreciated the water features, even if I was looking at some other features. I pulled him to my favorite shops GAP and Dimensione. He noticed my penchant for clothes, I told him I was colorblind. He got interested in getting a shoe rack for his condo unit, I blabbed to him about IKEA. Useless.
We were on the way down the lower floor when he asked me why it was referred to as BINOMA? I suggested he pay a visit to the comfort rooms and the dark places. I showed him.
But we ended up at this veranda, the smoking area, overlooking Congressional and North Avenue. Even if we dont smoke anyway. We laughed at the helpers taking their pictures by the fountain below us. It was a long fall to that structure 3 floors down. My existence became suddenly precarious.
It was already 7pm when we decided to call it a night. He walked me to my exit. He went back to go back to the MRT. I got a text on my way home that he had a great time.
I texted another friend that he should have warned me that guy was a hunk and told my other friend that he wasnt a serial killer.
Was it just a dream? It was too good to be true. I arrived home at 7.30pm and I wanted to go to sleep right away. Maybe I could relive the moment in my dreams.
<geesh, i didnt think it would be this hard remembering all that happened that day.>
PS: After that meeting, I got more self-conscious and he turned cold to me. LOL. His profile says if we arent still on the same page, he wanted to be a friend, not a bf. Mine says it doesnt matter, I dont know you anyway.
PPS: Hes not catholic. That's a dealbreaker as far as I am concerned. It was really too good to be true, it was.
This happened on a Wednesday.
9am, office--This "little boy" sent me a message borrowing money for a passport interview at the DFA. He told me his sister's remittance didnt go through and his dad just paid the house bills. We had been talking for weeks now about his plans of working in Dubai and how he could finally make money for himself and his family. I hav money to spare since its just a few pesos but my family also needed some financial assistance. I just couldnt say no outright to the boy.
I told him I was already at the office. Could I send it over Western Union? Of course not. If he wanted it, he should come and get it himself at my office. I gave him directions. He texted back, he couldnt leave his mom who was sick. He was panicking as he was running out of time before his 3pm appointment.
If he was really telling the truth, I thought I could help him get a job if I loaned him the money. But he had been the jerk the past few days, not calling back when he say he would. Just last monday, I was tossing and turning in my bed at 3am waiting for a call that would never come.
At before lunch time, I relented. I got his ATM account number and deposited the money so he could use it. I knew it was a con. I knew the money wasnt coming back. I knew I been had.
But the chances that he was telling the truth and that he was really in dire straits were too much to overcome. Levinas said the face of the poor asking for help was the hardest thing to say no to. He was right. I never should have studied hard for Philosophy.
Maybe if he got the job, he would completely disappear from my life. I sincerely hoped so. He sent this pathetic message thanking me for the help, saying the job would only take six months.
Havent he heard of contract extensions???
My phone became silent afterwards till 10pm, as I was supposed to meet him at his house. (I have never been there nor have I ever met him.) He said he was heading to Cavite to get money to pay me back. Yeah, right.
I knew it was a bad deal, so I went online to chat with friends, hoping that would take my mind off the little rascal. In the middle of a lively conversation, I remembered I havent prayed my Wednesday novena. I got my prayerbook and just did it. Thank goodness Boy # 2 wasnt around. He was this english-speaking, IT yuppy whom I had lunch with before. He could have been a great catch were it not for the fact that he didnt like me back. We banter and parley with attacks and feints, play around each other's words til a handsome hunk catches his attention. It was a nice dance of cloak and dagger, double entandre of a conversation. We had the same outlook and interest. But it was nothing compared to the hairy chest of the hunk online. In the instant world online, that was was you call an instant conversation ender. In the dating world, that was what you call a brush off.
Argh. That night since Boy#2 wasnt around, I would put up my topless picture and play around with the hairy hunk. I had lots of fun, kidding around with harmless friends while sipping warm calamansi juice spiked with vodka. It was almost 3am and 3 glasses of poison later, when Boy#3 sent me a private message that he got excited by my pics.(Him: "Tinigasan ako sa pix mo, friend. Hahaha, goodnite na. Mwahh.") I told him off. ("Me: Okay ka ha, matakot ka nga sa pinagsasabi mo, friendship. Him: Tumbling ako, hahahaha. Padila nga." )
I knew he was harmless, living all the way abroad, so I just pushed his buttons to torture him. ("Me: Lasing na ako, cyber tayo!!!Him: Hahahaha Tara game ako!!!") Holy shit! Wasnt he dating my friend? I figured this guy was working abroad, away from his love ones, I could entertain him a little on webcam with a little show of my own.
It wasnt like I havent done that before. More than the sex of it, it was the lure of power that did me in. I could get this guy off by showing a bit of skin, no need to go all the way. I gave him my YMessenger Id. He gave me his. (Him: "Hahahahhaa At binigay talaga wala akong cam friendship.") So it was gonna be a one-way strip tease, yeah right. Like he was gonna like it anyways.
Funny thing was it all got outahand, especially when he turned on the webcam he supposedly didnt have. I totally lost it when he returned the favor. LOL. Hey he was hunky in his own right. ("Me: I'm gonna blow your mind.Him: I thought I was blowing yours.")
What was really nice was the conversation afterwards. We turned on our mics and speakers and just sang to each other and talked about life and past relationships. (I learned he and my other friend had already broken off. Like I cared)
He quipped he still had some more left. I laughed him off and excused myself for a quick bathroom break. When I came back he took his turn. It was almost 4am, so I asked him if he wanted seconds. But the tides had turned. He said that that was a one time only deal. Cool. He said his thanks and g'night, I said okay.
It wasnt that I got pissed off for not having seconds, but it was the realization what a stupid thing I did. It was a real personal moment like we made that connection. However, it was pretty obvious that the other guy didnt care about how I felt. It was definitely another instant affair, you flip a switch to turn it on and flip another to turn it off. No questions asked.
That wasnt how I wanted it. The last guy who did that to me was busted after the last gust. Casual wasnt how I liked my sex to be.
At that point, I remembered why I am still single and why I think I am gonna stay that way for a long, long time. I didnt want casual, I want meantime. Its like a convenient excuse for a relationship when both are only after a noncommittal affair. I dont like his looks and his brain, he doesnt like mine either. We were just online friends.
I had to kick my ass to not get involved any further.
At around 7am, I turned my very tired body in my bed.
When I got up 10 hours later, I texted Boy #2 and told him about my stupidity with Boy #1. Hey he said we were friends. I didnt expect to get a reply in less than a minute. So I also hinted about having fun with another boy. I got no reply.
No need. I got the message loud and clear. DANG, I gotta get one of those plastic heart replacements. Mine is just plain stupid.
The MRT has become a microcosm of society. It has the poorest of the poor and the brattiest of the brats. What I recently found out is that it brings out the best and the worst in me. Its frightening.
My top pet peeve are the OBREROS, the construction workers who not only looks it but stinks like one too. I am not really after the brand labels, I just wish they clean up before being allowed inside. I know thats segregation, but who wants body sweat on your office clothes so early in the morning?
Actually, its not the stink I am freaked out about. Its the attitude. Most of them are hecklers and ill-mannered. Since they have the bulk, they force themselves inside an already over-crowded train. Try standing your ground against these juggernaughts and realize how puny your life is in this universe.
Such an experience is comparable to and the closest I will get to the tsunami catastrophe in banda aceh, indonesia. Believe me, its not a cherished experience.
They also have the baddest and the loudest mouths ever. Answer back at your own risk. If you value your life, I suggest you just look outside the window.
One time, I was squeezed in next to two of them and one said to the other: "you gotta problem? hey pal, everyone is just in a hurry to get home." Had the other got pissed off, I would have been caught in the crossfire-- of blows and bad breaths. The thing is both of them were clearly squeezing themselves and others like me just to get in. The nerve, right?
My second pet peeve are the lovers dating inside the cab. I am not sourgraping, what gets my goat is that girl grabs the pole immediately inside, boy embraces the girl and blocks access to the inner corridor. Can someone ask them to get a room and not spoon inside the train?
One time, I pushed myself past a couple spooning in the train as I described. The guy went: "Whats his problem?" When I reached the relative freedom of the center aisle blissfully standing where the aircon blows fresh air, I gave them the look-at-me-now stare. Geesh.
But before I beatify myself, let me admit that I do physical harm there as well. Last week, I saw this geeky looking girl with those black, thick rimmed glasses and boyish hair. She was decent in her dark office blazer and skirt.
When the train arrived, there was this mad rush to the door as it opened. I saw a hand carrying a paperbag squeeze itself in from my left side. Obviously the owner wanted to secure a handhold inside the door past me. I thought I had the right of way being in front of the door, so I pushed the hand aside as I got pushed inside by an equally crazy mob behind me. I knew the hand got pinned and crushed by the throng of onrushing bodies.
When I found a seat, I scanned the perimeter for the offensive paperbag. It was geeky girl and she was massaging her arm which was probably badly crushed in the madrush. I mouthed a silent "sorry".
There was also this one early morning, as I got off the train, I saw this guy running from one door to another in a dark suit: coat and powder blue tie with the patent leather shoes and the F4/Dao Ming Zhe hairstyle. I text my friend, wondering how it was possible for him not to be sweating like a pig under all those clothes. Obviously, I thought he was overacting and overdressed for wherever he was going.
Then there was this time, when I was glad I was able to squeeze my butt in the bench. I shut my eyes for awhile. When I opened them, lo and behold, there was this crotch in front of me. No impressive bulge there, but the guy obviously left the bathroom in a hurry he forgot to zip up. I raised my eyes to facelevel, ugh! How utterly disappointing.
See what I mean. This means of transportation is an evil, evil influence on me. I wonder how bitchy I will be after a year of commuting via the MRT.
This morning I woke up startled. The wallclock read 7 o'clock, I should have been up and about by 6am if I were to get to work in time. Then I realized it was a Saturday and I slept before 2 am.
I knew I would have another bad day.
There were tons of work to be done and never enough time. I had to get a move on. I had to figure out how to reprogram and I couldnt find the product key. My mom wanted me to change the car seatcovers. I needed to get the bedcover off, the laundry woman had already arrived. My 18-year old nephew needed his crappy haircut fixed by my hairstylist.
I didnt wanna go out of the house. I wanted to sleep til sunday.
My nephew was adamant, he had a debut-party to attend in the evening. So, off we went. We were already heading off to David's Salon, when I saw a hairstylist I knew walking towards my old neighborhood parlor. I used to get my haircut there when I was still in gradschool. The haircutters were artful and cheap, but one thing I learned is that you get what you pay for, at least in haircuts. Thats why I changed barbers.
But I really wanted to get this errand over and done with with the littlest effort possible. I suggested my nephew to park near the parlor instead.
The parlor crew greeted me like a long, lost favorite customer. They thought that I already went abroad. I deflected all their questions, I didnt want to get into their bad graces before I get my nephew's hair done.
After the small talk, I noticed the corner television set was on, showing an old lunchtime program. Despite the years, the show still followed the same format: the old reliable. I used to be glued to that show when I was in my early teens. Back then it was fun and fashionable to watch it, compared to the then-old show in the competitor station.
As I watched the show, I remembered why I liked it back then. It was where I got to know what was in style during those days. In style as in popular, that is what the people in the street liked. The dancers were hiphoping and grooving to a rap song belted by a copycat singer trying to sound like the original artist. Back when I was young, people thought that sounding like the record was the proper way to sing. The dance was all energy and show. The girls wore costumes showing a lot of flesh.
I know I sound so old fashioned, but maybe its because I have outgrown all of that in the same way I outgrew my video games. I really got old, havent I.
The looks maybe preserved or at least I look younger than my age. But what was inside showed through. Confronted by the youngsters in the noontime show, I was a dinosaur from a by-gone era just like the parlor.
The music had changed and so must I. 
CARPE DIEM
Seize the day, thats what people say. But I never got the message. Seizing the day has never become more important than when you got a job. When you got a job, your live your life by number: wake up 6am, leave for the office 7.30am, office by 9am, work til lunch at 12noon, back behind my desk by 1am, work again til 6pm, out by 7pm, catch the 7.30 train, home by 8.30pm, dinner by 9pm, sleep by 10pm, then its 6am again.
When do you find time to live a life? You make time. I never had the concept of time down pat. I dont have a sense of urgency. I take my time. I need my quiet moments to quiet my mind and fix the trainwreck inside.
I live by the moment, when inspiration hits, when the bubble bursts, when the push turns to shove. Ambitions and goals are not top in my priority because I essentially make do with whatever I got at the moment.
Prioritizing is a luxury I cant afford when the flak hits the flame. Strange but I sound like an impulse buyer when it takes me a couple of visits to the mall before I decide to buy something.
No wonder I jealously guard my weekend. It is strictly time for myself and the countless and endless things to do around the house. Basically its time to sleep, watch television, read my books, go online, maybe go out and party.
My lovestories are all about walking away and learning to love myself more. I am the unnoticed middle child in the family. The eldest was the first born and first son in the clan, the second is the first girl in the family, the youngest is the baby, the second to the youngest is the pretty baby. Studio-photographs and school programs would prove my point. I had to be the brainy one just to get attention.
Afraid I'd lose my family's respect, love never entered the picture til I was well into my 30s. First, I had a run-in with the typical player. He kissed me on the first night we met, I didnt want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he taught me how to kiss so I kissed back. It was my first kiss. I knew he was with someone, but there was something wrong with their relationship. Was there ever. The next night he was kissing my friend whom I introduced to him. But I wasnt ready to give up just yet. From then on, it was all war, I wanted to win this game. I was so full of it that I didnt believe him when he says he isnt looking for a relationship bec he already had someone. Why did I eventually had my first and my second sex with him (inside his room)? He also said he didnt go dating, but we were going out for dinners and drinks alone together. Even his bf was kissing somebody else at the bar. I thought I would change him.
But after sometime, I realized that, with him, there would always be other guys. A player wont change for no one. I was rushing to go to meet him and meeting car accidents on the way, just to see him making out with someone else. It wasnt the love I wanted for myself. I started to distance myself. Our last message to each other is him telling me he was waiting for me to go to Malate one weekend. I said I wouldnt make it.
Third was this gasoline attendant who asked me to draw up some papers for him. When we met up he said he was bringing a friend because it was embarrassing for people to see us with each other. I handed him the papers and walked away.
Next is martial arts guy who was separated with his wife with a kid in tow. He was also still enjoying his new-found sexuality. (While I was at his place, he was texting with someone.) He had much to figure out for himself. So, I walked away.
Next is someone I thought would be the one I was searching for all my life. In him, I realized my standards were unreasonably high, I should come down from the clouds where my head was caught in. He was persistent, he said he couldnt live without me. He was not exactly my type, an illegitimate child, he works for his stepdad, and eleven years younger. I said he was too young to carry on with a relationship. He said he was mature despite his age. He was always on the phone, at my house every day. He appeared to be sincere, I gave it a shot.
Things went well for awhile. Till two years later, the visits and the calls vanished, the messages came once a day, replaced by days when there were too much to do or too tired to talk. There were so much work, he had to go to the provincial branch of his office. (I found out it was Baguio with someone.) One night, I got a message reading, "would you prefer the comfortable lie over the painful truth?" I woke up from sleep to reply, "The truth shall set me free."
On my 37th birthday, he came over for lunch, handed me a pillow which he said I would need in the days to come. He couldnt kiss me anymore. I asked if there was someone else, he couldnt speak. I knew this day would come. I broke down because I felt too stupid for believing we were something real and special. I told him, despite everything, I would make an honorable man out of him, called it quits, and told him to go to the one he really loved.
Since then, I learned to love walking. I walked seven kilometers from the house, for hours upon hours, in the rain, in unfamiliar Muslim areas on a whim, in a dark, deserted road on a late, dark night. It was my way of putting distance between myself and situations that would only hurt me. I walked away with whatever dignity I still had left and with nobody else but myself.
I havent stopped journeying ever since.
Writers are told to write from the heart. But I cant write about things that strike too close to home, as there was a point early in my life when I was taught to just suck it up and take things that hurt like a man. It sounded more like a jail sentence than a fatherly advice.
Yes, the man who told me that was my dad, and he wasnt being cruel. It is just that he didnt know any better. He is a simple man. He lived a tough life among the toughest kids in the tough streets of Tondo. Born during the Japanese occupation, he regales his children of running beside rifle fire and shrapnels. Despite the tough facade, I can see through him. I know he is deathly scared of hito (mudfish), because, in his younger days, he saw them coming out of a shallow coffin in a cemetery.
I am still reeling from the stern command, expecting fire and brimstone to rain on me any second from now for my shortcomings and transgressions over the years. My excess baggages, so to speak.
One of its many litanies is that you are never worthy. There is this guy and theres a lot of interaction between us. I feel like theres more to the exchanges than what appears onscreen. The real messages are between the lines, but the voice keeps ringing in my head.
Its that stentorial voice ringing inside my head telling me that I should be this and I should be that, i should do this and that. Its that overplayed recording at the back of your mind thats more strict than your conscience and the IRS and INS put together. Its unforgiving in its fault-finding, nothing passes muster.
So what if he writes almost daily and of the most mundane of things. It still doesnt say much, not expressly. Not in black and white. The little voice goes on the offensive and says dont you think hes too young, too tall, too rough for you? You are not his match. In one fell sweep, it attacks my sense of equilibrium and appears to gain moral high ground.
In reality it is my dark side, the Id that never grew up. The little boy who never got a toy for a gift and thought that he needed to deserve it in order to get one. It creates a worldview which is negative which becomes the springboard for all other actions including your major, life-defining decisions. No wonder there is the need to take heavy responsibilities and there is no attempt to ask for help or affection for the simple reason that they have to be suffered for.
So here are some excerpts from our frequently nightly conversations over yahoo messenger:
HIM(5/27/2007 7:05:52 PM): wat time kayo nakauwi
ME(5/27/2007 7:05:57 PM): 5.30 na
HIM(5/27/2007 7:06:07 PM): ok
xxx
HIM(5/27/2007 7:06:15 PM): saya no sayang di kami pwedeng magtagal
ME(5/27/2007 7:06:20 PM): oo nga
xxx
HIM(5/27/2007 7:06:34 PM): di tuloy tayo nakapagbonding
xxx
ME(5/27/2007 7:21:39 PM): did you go to Bed afterwards?
HIM(5/27/2007 7:21:59 PM): yes
HIM(5/27/2007 7:22:06 PM): sana sumama ka samin hahahhaha
HIM(5/27/2007 7:22:10 PM): ok lang yun
HIM(5/27/2007 7:22:25 PM): maybe kung di ganun kalayo at mahirap hanapin mag stay ako
ME(5/27/2007 7:23:32 PM): maldita mode
ME(5/27/2007 7:23:33 PM): ahahhaha
HIM(5/27/2007 7:23:36 PM): saka dina bagao sakin
HIM(5/27/2007 7:23:50 PM): sino?
HIM(5/27/2007 7:23:54 PM): maldita mode?
ME(5/27/2007 7:24:38 PM): ako
ME(5/27/2007 7:24:54 PM): sumabay kasi ako xxx at malapit lang ang house nya sa amin
HIM(5/27/2007 7:24:58 PM): bakit?
HIM(5/27/2007 7:25:02 PM): sino ba kasama mo nagpunta
HIM(5/27/2007 7:25:09 PM): uy tickle ka ba dati
HIM(5/27/2007 7:25:13 PM): xxx told me
ME(5/27/2007 7:25:14 PM): ahahhaha
ME(5/27/2007 7:25:33 PM): that was a long time ago
ME(5/27/2007 7:25:33 PM): tuwa naman ako
HIM(5/27/2007 7:25:38 PM): hahahah oo nga
ME(5/27/2007 7:26:35 PM): gosh, he remembers me from that site pa?
HIM(5/27/2007 7:26:51 PM): yes
HIM(5/27/2007 7:26:56 PM): sinabi lang nya sakin
ME(5/27/2007 7:28:16 PM): that was so long ago. mga more than 5 years ago
xxx xxx xxx
HIM(6/2/2007 8:21:21 PM): sinong kalaguyo mo at wapakels ka
ME(6/2/2007 8:21:40 PM): ha? anong wapakels?
HIM(6/2/2007 8:22:02 PM): wala kang paki deadma hahahhaha turo sakin yan
HIM (6/2/2007 8:22:04 PM): hahahha
ME(6/2/2007 8:22:25 PM): kaka-online ko pa lang
HIM(6/2/2007 8:22:57 PM): sa thread
ME(6/2/2007 8:23:00 PM): asus, nawala lang ako ng kalahating oras na miss nyo na ako
ME(6/2/2007 8:23:29 PM): kalahating araw pala
ME(6/2/2007 8:23:31 PM): ahahaha
HIM(6/2/2007 8:23:48 PM): hahhahahaha
ME(6/2/2007 8:24:13 PM): ano ba nangyayari sa thread?
HIM(6/2/2007 8:24:42 PM): \wala lang
HIM(6/2/2007 8:24:46 PM): open mo kasi
ME(6/2/2007 8:25:29 PM): sige na nga. punta na ako. meron mga bata na gusto maki-"pagkilala" sa akin mga 19 and 20s. ano gagawin ko?
HIM(6/2/2007 8:25:54 PM): gogogo
HIM(6/2/2007 8:25:56 PM): lang
HIM(6/2/2007 8:25:58 PM): ok lang yun
HIM(6/2/2007 8:26:08 PM): as long as matured na sila
ME(6/2/2007 8:26:14 PM): weird kasi, parang mga pamangkin ko lang yun
ME(6/2/2007 8:26:33 PM): hahahha
xxx xxx xxx
HIM(6/3/2007 8:09:40 PM): psssssssssssttttttttt
ME(6/3/2007 8:09:45 PM): po?
HIM(6/3/2007 8:09:56 PM): walalang
ME(6/3/2007 8:10:22 PM): practice tayo kumanta ng My Humps by Alanis M.
ME(6/3/2007 8:10:24 PM): ahahhaa
HIM(6/3/2007 8:11:19 PM): hahahhahahaha
ME(6/3/2007 8:11:28 PM): me part akong di makuha
ME(6/3/2007 8:11:31 PM): kainis
HIM(6/3/2007 8:12:35 PM): alin anong kanta my humps talafa
HIM(6/3/2007 8:12:40 PM): talaga
ME(6/3/2007 8:12:55 PM): My Humps ng Black Eyed Peas
xxx xxx xxx
HIM(6/7/2007 7:34:14 PM): ppppppssssstt!
ME(6/7/2007 7:34:20 PM): po?
HIM (6/7/2007 7:34:54 PM): bakit parang walang fabconfe this week
ME(6/7/2007 7:35:12 PM): namiss mo noh
HIM(6/7/2007 7:35:20 PM): waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
ME(6/7/2007 7:35:55 PM): nung tuesday kasi asa kapihan ako
ME(6/7/2007 7:36:03 PM): nung monday me kinakarir ka ata
HIM(6/7/2007 7:36:04 PM): okies
ME(6/7/2007 7:36:13 PM): kahapon me trabaho ako
HIM(6/7/2007 7:36:13 PM): wala no
HIM(6/7/2007 7:36:19 PM): naka web alng ako lagi
HIM(6/7/2007 7:36:22 PM): ikaw talga
ME(6/7/2007 7:36:25 PM): ahahahhaha
ME(6/7/2007 7:36:31 PM): ano bang balita?
HIM(6/7/2007 7:36:49 PM): wala lang so wasted sa work
ME(6/7/2007 7:37:17 PM): wawa ka naman, kasi magjowa na
HIM(6/7/2007 7:37:48 PM): hanap mo nga ako lolz
xxx xxx xxx
HIM(6/11/2007 1:31:44 AM): nawala ako ibalik nyo ako
ME(6/11/2007 1:33:01 AM): ok
HIM(6/11/2007 1:33:50 AM): maras
ME(6/11/2007 1:33:55 AM): yep?
HIM(6/11/2007 1:33:59 AM): ibalik nyo ako
HIM(6/11/2007 10:42:22 PM): basa mo
xxx
ME(6/11/2007 10:42:31 PM): hindi
HIM(6/11/2007 10:42:41 PM): sa status ko
ME(6/11/2007 10:42:52 PM): ahahhahaha
ME(6/11/2007 10:43:02 PM): ano yan mating call?
HIM(6/11/2007 10:43:16 PM): hahahha
HIM(6/11/2007 10:43:19 PM): yes
ME(6/11/2007 10:43:31 PM): ahahhaha, magtext ka na lang
ME(6/11/2007 10:43:32 PM): ahahah
HIM(6/11/2007 10:44:06 PM): hahahah
ME(6/11/2007 10:44:21 PM): tapos papuntahin mo ng laguna
ME(6/11/2007 10:44:23 PM): ahahhaha
HIM(6/11/2007 10:44:31 PM): sino
ME(6/11/2007 10:44:36 PM): yung itext mo
ME(6/11/2007 10:44:37 PM): ahhaha
ME(6/11/2007 10:44:47 PM): gawin mong parang The Amazing Race
ME(6/11/2007 10:44:48 PM): ahahha
HIM(6/11/2007 10:45:00 PM): ikaw nalang
*tumbling*
ME(6/11/2007 10:45:17 PM): wala akong ite-text
ME(6/11/2007 10:53:06 PM): teka lang ayusin ko ng konti ang multiply acct ko
HIM(6/11/2007 10:53:23 PM): ok
xxx xxx xxx
Enough. I am just jumping to conclusions and I dont want to go there. Most probably, I am just imagining things. Been there, done that. Obsessions are no longer my cup of tea. I am over them. I have so many baggage, I dont know what to do with them. Time to redirect conversations to safer topics and divert attention elsewhere.
Id, go to sleep.
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