Excess Baggage

Writers are told to write from the heart. But I cant write about things that strike too close to home, as there was a point early in my life when I was taught to just suck it up and take things that hurt like a man. It sounded more like a jail sentence than a fatherly advice.

Yes, the man who told me that was my dad, and he wasnt being cruel. It is just that he didnt know any better. He is a simple man. He lived a tough life among the toughest kids in the tough streets of Tondo. Born during the Japanese occupation, he regales his children of running beside rifle fire and shrapnels. Despite the tough facade, I can see through him. I know he is deathly scared of hito (mudfish), because, in his younger days, he saw them coming out of a shallow coffin in a cemetery.

I am still reeling from the stern command, expecting fire and brimstone to rain on me any second from now for my shortcomings and transgressions over the years. My excess baggages, so to speak.

One of its many litanies is that you are never worthy. There is this guy and theres a lot of interaction between us. I feel like theres more to the exchanges than what appears onscreen. The real messages are between the lines, but the voice keeps ringing in my head.

Its that stentorial voice ringing inside my head telling me that I should be this and I should be that, i should do this and that. Its that overplayed recording at the back of your mind thats more strict than your conscience and the IRS and INS put together. Its unforgiving in its fault-finding, nothing passes muster.

So what if he writes almost daily and of the most mundane of things. It still doesnt say much, not expressly. Not in black and white. The little voice goes on the offensive and says dont you think hes too young, too tall, too rough for you? You are not his match. In one fell sweep, it attacks my sense of equilibrium and appears to gain moral high ground.

In reality it is my dark side, the Id that never grew up. The little boy who never got a toy for a gift and thought that he needed to deserve it in order to get one. It creates a worldview which is negative which becomes the springboard for all other actions including your major, life-defining decisions. No wonder there is the need to take heavy responsibilities and there is no attempt to ask for help or affection for the simple reason that they have to be suffered for.

So here are some excerpts from our frequently nightly conversations over yahoo messenger:

HIM(5/27/2007 7:05:52 PM): wat time kayo nakauwi
ME(5/27/2007 7:05:57 PM): 5.30 na
HIM(5/27/2007 7:06:07 PM): ok

xxx

HIM(5/27/2007 7:06:15 PM): saya no sayang di kami pwedeng magtagal
ME(5/27/2007 7:06:20 PM): oo nga
xxx
HIM(5/27/2007 7:06:34 PM): di tuloy tayo nakapagbonding

xxx

ME(5/27/2007 7:21:39 PM): did you go to Bed afterwards?
HIM(5/27/2007 7:21:59 PM): yes
HIM(5/27/2007 7:22:06 PM): sana sumama ka samin hahahhaha
HIM(5/27/2007 7:22:10 PM): ok lang yun
HIM(5/27/2007 7:22:25 PM): maybe kung di ganun kalayo at mahirap hanapin mag stay ako
ME(5/27/2007 7:23:32 PM): maldita mode
ME(5/27/2007 7:23:33 PM): ahahhaha
HIM(5/27/2007 7:23:36 PM): saka dina bagao sakin
HIM(5/27/2007 7:23:50 PM): sino?
HIM(5/27/2007 7:23:54 PM): maldita mode?
ME(5/27/2007 7:24:38 PM): ako
ME(5/27/2007 7:24:54 PM): sumabay kasi ako xxx at malapit lang ang house nya sa amin
HIM(5/27/2007 7:24:58 PM): bakit?
HIM(5/27/2007 7:25:02 PM): sino ba kasama mo nagpunta
HIM(5/27/2007 7:25:09 PM): uy tickle ka ba dati
HIM(5/27/2007 7:25:13 PM): xxx told me
ME(5/27/2007 7:25:14 PM): ahahhaha
ME(5/27/2007 7:25:33 PM): that was a long time ago
ME(5/27/2007 7:25:33 PM): tuwa naman ako
HIM(5/27/2007 7:25:38 PM): hahahah oo nga
ME(5/27/2007 7:26:35 PM): gosh, he remembers me from that site pa?

HIM(5/27/2007 7:26:51 PM): yes
HIM(5/27/2007 7:26:56 PM): sinabi lang nya sakin
ME(5/27/2007 7:28:16 PM): that was so long ago. mga more than 5 years ago

xxx       xxx     xxx

HIM(6/2/2007 8:21:21 PM): sinong kalaguyo mo at wapakels ka
ME(6/2/2007 8:21:40 PM): ha? anong wapakels?
HIM(6/2/2007 8:22:02 PM): wala kang paki deadma hahahhaha turo sakin yan
HIM (6/2/2007 8:22:04 PM): hahahha
ME(6/2/2007 8:22:25 PM): kaka-online ko pa lang
HIM(6/2/2007 8:22:57 PM): sa thread
ME(6/2/2007 8:23:00 PM): asus, nawala lang ako ng kalahating oras na miss nyo na ako
ME(6/2/2007 8:23:29 PM): kalahating araw pala
ME(6/2/2007 8:23:31 PM): ahahaha
HIM(6/2/2007 8:23:48 PM): hahhahahaha
ME(6/2/2007 8:24:13 PM): ano ba nangyayari sa thread?
HIM(6/2/2007 8:24:42 PM): \wala lang
HIM(6/2/2007 8:24:46 PM): open mo kasi
ME(6/2/2007 8:25:29 PM): sige na nga. punta na ako. meron mga bata na gusto maki-"pagkilala" sa akin mga 19 and 20s. ano gagawin ko?
HIM(6/2/2007 8:25:54 PM): gogogo
HIM(6/2/2007 8:25:56 PM): lang
HIM(6/2/2007 8:25:58 PM): ok lang yun
HIM(6/2/2007 8:26:08 PM): as long as matured na sila
ME(6/2/2007 8:26:14 PM): weird kasi, parang mga pamangkin ko lang yun
ME(6/2/2007 8:26:33 PM): hahahha

xxx           xxx         xxx

HIM(6/3/2007 8:09:40 PM): psssssssssssttttttttt
ME(6/3/2007 8:09:45 PM): po?
HIM(6/3/2007 8:09:56 PM): walalang
ME(6/3/2007 8:10:22 PM): practice tayo kumanta ng My Humps by Alanis M.
ME(6/3/2007 8:10:24 PM): ahahhaa
HIM(6/3/2007 8:11:19 PM): hahahhahahaha
ME(6/3/2007 8:11:28 PM): me part akong di makuha
ME(6/3/2007 8:11:31 PM): kainis
HIM(6/3/2007 8:12:35 PM): alin anong kanta my humps talafa
HIM(6/3/2007 8:12:40 PM): talaga
ME(6/3/2007 8:12:55 PM): My Humps ng Black Eyed Peas

xxx     xxx     xxx

HIM(6/7/2007 7:34:14 PM): ppppppssssstt!
ME(6/7/2007 7:34:20 PM): po?
HIM (6/7/2007 7:34:54 PM): bakit parang walang fabconfe this week
ME(6/7/2007 7:35:12 PM): namiss mo noh
HIM(6/7/2007 7:35:20 PM): waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
ME(6/7/2007 7:35:55 PM): nung tuesday kasi asa kapihan ako
ME(6/7/2007 7:36:03 PM): nung monday me kinakarir ka ata
HIM(6/7/2007 7:36:04 PM): okies
ME(6/7/2007 7:36:13 PM): kahapon me trabaho ako
HIM(6/7/2007 7:36:13 PM): wala no
HIM(6/7/2007 7:36:19 PM): naka web alng ako lagi
HIM(6/7/2007 7:36:22 PM): ikaw talga
ME(6/7/2007 7:36:25 PM): ahahahhaha
ME(6/7/2007 7:36:31 PM): ano bang balita?
HIM(6/7/2007 7:36:49 PM): wala lang so wasted sa work
ME(6/7/2007 7:37:17 PM): wawa ka naman, kasi magjowa na
HIM(6/7/2007 7:37:48 PM): hanap mo nga ako lolz

xxx   xxx   xxx

HIM(6/11/2007 1:31:44 AM): nawala ako ibalik nyo ako
ME(6/11/2007 1:33:01 AM): ok
HIM(6/11/2007 1:33:50 AM): maras
ME(6/11/2007 1:33:55 AM): yep?
HIM(6/11/2007 1:33:59 AM): ibalik nyo ako
HIM(6/11/2007 10:42:22 PM): basa mo
xxx

ME(6/11/2007 10:42:31 PM): hindi
HIM(6/11/2007 10:42:41 PM): sa status ko
ME(6/11/2007 10:42:52 PM): ahahhahaha
ME(6/11/2007 10:43:02 PM): ano yan mating call?
HIM(6/11/2007 10:43:16 PM): hahahha
HIM(6/11/2007 10:43:19 PM): yes
ME(6/11/2007 10:43:31 PM): ahahhaha, magtext ka na lang
ME(6/11/2007 10:43:32 PM): ahahah
HIM(6/11/2007 10:44:06 PM): hahahah
ME(6/11/2007 10:44:21 PM): tapos papuntahin mo ng laguna
ME(6/11/2007 10:44:23 PM): ahahhaha
HIM(6/11/2007 10:44:31 PM): sino
ME(6/11/2007 10:44:36 PM): yung itext mo
ME(6/11/2007 10:44:37 PM): ahhaha
ME(6/11/2007 10:44:47 PM): gawin mong parang The Amazing Race
ME(6/11/2007 10:44:48 PM): ahahha
HIM(6/11/2007 10:45:00 PM): ikaw nalang
*tumbling*

ME(6/11/2007 10:45:17 PM): wala akong ite-text
ME(6/11/2007 10:53:06 PM): teka lang ayusin ko ng konti ang multiply acct ko
HIM(6/11/2007 10:53:23 PM): ok

xxx       xxx       xxx

Enough. I am just jumping to conclusions and I dont want to go there. Most probably, I am just imagining things. Been there, done that. Obsessions are no longer my cup of tea. I am over them. I have so many baggage, I dont know what to do with them.  Time to redirect conversations to safer topics and divert attention elsewhere.

Id, go to sleep.