My So-Called Life

This happened on a Wednesday.

9am, office--This "little boy" sent me a message borrowing money for a passport interview at the DFA. He told me his sister's remittance didnt go through and his dad just paid the house bills. We had been talking for weeks now about his plans of working in Dubai and how he could finally make money for himself and his family. I hav money to spare since its just a few pesos but my family also needed some financial assistance. I just couldnt say no outright to the boy.

I told him I was already at the office. Could I send it over Western Union? Of course not. If he wanted it, he should come and get it himself at my office. I gave him directions. He texted back, he couldnt leave his mom who was sick. He was panicking as he was running out of time before his 3pm appointment.

If he was really telling the truth, I thought I could help him get a job if I loaned him the money. But he had been the jerk the past few days, not calling back when he say he would. Just last monday, I was tossing and turning in my bed at 3am waiting for a call that would never come.

At before lunch time, I relented. I got his ATM account number and deposited the money so he could use it. I knew it was a con. I knew the money wasnt coming back. I knew I been had.

But the chances that he was telling the truth and that he was really in dire straits were too much to overcome. Levinas said the face of the poor asking for help was the hardest thing to say no to. He was right. I never should have studied hard for Philosophy.

Maybe if he got the job, he would completely disappear from my life. I sincerely hoped so. He sent this pathetic message thanking me for the help, saying the job would only take six months.

Havent he heard of contract extensions???

My phone became silent afterwards till 10pm, as I was supposed to meet him at his house. (I have never been there nor have I ever met him.) He said he was heading to Cavite to get money to pay me back. Yeah, right.

I knew it was a bad deal, so I went online to chat with friends, hoping that would take my mind off the little rascal. In the middle of a lively conversation, I remembered I havent prayed my Wednesday novena. I got my prayerbook and just did it.  Thank goodness Boy # 2 wasnt around. He was this english-speaking, IT yuppy whom I had lunch with before. He could have been a great catch were it not for the fact that he didnt like me back. We banter and parley with attacks and feints, play around each other's words til a handsome hunk catches his attention. It was a nice dance of cloak and dagger, double entandre of a conversation. We had the same outlook and interest. But it was nothing compared to the hairy chest of the hunk online.  In the instant world online, that was was you call an instant conversation ender. In the dating world, that was what you call a brush off.

Argh. That night since Boy#2 wasnt around, I would put up my topless picture and play around with the hairy hunk. I had lots of fun, kidding around with harmless friends while sipping warm calamansi juice spiked with vodka. It was almost 3am and 3 glasses of poison later, when Boy#3 sent me a private message that he got excited by my pics.(Him: "Tinigasan ako sa pix mo, friend. Hahaha, goodnite na. Mwahh.") I told him off. ("Me: Okay ka ha, matakot ka nga sa pinagsasabi mo, friendship. Him: Tumbling ako, hahahaha. Padila nga." )

I knew he was harmless, living all the way abroad, so I just pushed his buttons to torture him. ("Me: Lasing na ako, cyber tayo!!!Him: Hahahaha Tara game ako!!!") Holy shit! Wasnt he dating my friend? I figured this guy was working abroad, away from his love ones, I could entertain him a little on webcam with a little show of my own.

It wasnt like I havent done that before.  More than the sex of it, it was the lure of power that did me in. I could get this guy off by showing a bit of skin, no need to go all the way. I gave him my YMessenger Id. He gave me his. (Him: "Hahahahhaa At binigay talaga wala akong cam friendship.") So it was gonna be a one-way strip tease, yeah right. Like he was gonna like it anyways.

Funny thing was it all got outahand, especially when he turned on the webcam he supposedly didnt have. I totally lost it when he returned the favor. LOL. Hey he was hunky in his own right. ("Me: I'm gonna blow your mind.Him: I thought I was blowing yours.")

What was really nice was the conversation afterwards. We turned on our mics and speakers and just sang to each other and talked about life and past relationships. (I learned he and my other friend had already broken off. Like I cared)

He quipped he still had some more left. I laughed him off and excused myself for a quick bathroom break. When I came back he took his turn. It was almost 4am, so I asked him if he wanted seconds. But the tides had turned. He said that that was a one time only deal. Cool. He said his thanks and g'night, I said okay.

It wasnt that I got pissed off for not having seconds, but it was the realization what a stupid thing I did. It was a real personal moment like we made that connection. However, it was pretty obvious that the other guy didnt care about how I felt. It was definitely another instant affair, you flip a switch to turn it on and flip another to turn it off. No questions asked.

That wasnt how I wanted it. The last guy who did that to me was busted after the last gust. Casual wasnt how I liked my sex to be.

At that point, I remembered why I am still single and why I think I am gonna stay that way for a long, long time. I didnt want casual, I want meantime. Its like a convenient excuse for a relationship when both are only after a noncommittal affair. I dont like his looks and his brain, he doesnt like mine either. We were just online friends.

I had to kick my ass to not get involved any further.

At around 7am, I turned my very tired body in my bed.

When I got up 10 hours later, I texted Boy #2 and told him about my stupidity with Boy #1. Hey he said we were friends. I didnt expect to get a reply in less than a minute. So I also hinted about having fun with another boy. I got no reply.

No need. I got the message loud and clear. DANG, I gotta get one of those plastic heart replacements. Mine is just plain stupid.