How Did I Get Here?

Nobody becomes an outsider by choice.

That's what I told the guy of my recent dreams. What I want is to find my place in the sun, live out my dreams, and ride out into the sunset. The farthest thing on my mind is to get myself involved in yet another unrequited lovestory.

Love is isolating when unspoken. Not only do I deny it's existence, I deny my own as well. I become yet another single guy living in the fast lane and burning the candle on both ends. People do not know that I rather stay at home and read my books.

However, I choose to like a guy. Or does love choose me? I dont know. If it were up to me, I would rather live alone. My ideal life is one that is stable and predictable. So I can plan my days and nights, I can set my goals and achieve them.

I am tired of thinking too much and endlessly. I will take a quiet life anytime. I like going out with friends who I can flirt and laugh with over the most mundane of things and not be bothered by it at all. My thoughts run faster and smoother that way. I am more dynamic, more open, quicker on the draw. I pay no mind to contexts, subtexts, underpinnings, subtleties, niceties, and other things read between the lines.

I laugh more, I smile more. What's there to complain? But after yet another rejection, I see myself more and more of an outsider. I don't fit in anymore, since I have changed in the time being. I told my friend that I want to go back to where I had been a year ago. I pray that I go back.

Now I am back.

How did I get here?

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